Sammie

Editor risks her life in fierce face-off with large arachnid

Sep 4 • Opinion • 348

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Spiders are creepy. There, I said it. Their eight legs are scary and the way they move is nasty. However, I can handle squishing the little guys.

What I can’t handle is a giant, black spider the size of a half-dollar (legs included), crawling on my apartment ceiling. That’s just gross and I wasn’t having any of that. He needed to go.

Strolling into my apartment, I switched on the lights and set my keys on my coffee table. I did a quick walkthrough and turned on virtually every light I have. I went to the kitchen to retrieve some water and while taking a drink, I looked up and spotted the intruder. There above me, a huge spider was casually sitting on my ceiling.

First, I was scared because he was ginormous. Then I was afraid he would fall on my head. And last, I had no idea how the heck I was going to get rid of him.

Thinking for pure defense only, I went to the coat closet and retrieved my sword: a Swiffer sweeper. “That should do the trick,” I thought to myself. But now the tricky part: how was I going to reach him? Being only 5-foot-1, there was no way I could reach him from the ground. I needed a little help. So I grabbed one of my kitchen chairs and took my position. I was not about to stand on the couch. What if he fell on my head? I wasn’t taking a chance like that; the chair would have to do.

All good predators know they have to study their prey. So before going in for the kill, I carefully watched my target. He began roaming around the ceiling, going back and forth. At one point, it appeared that he would lose his grip and fall off, which I was hoping he wouldn’t because then he’d plummet into my couch. A pretty lousy spider if you ask me. Aren’t they supposed to be incredibly nimble?

Anyways I digress; I realized I had to make my move before he made his. So I climbed atop my chair, Swiffer sword in hand. Keeping my balance, I slowly raised my sword and then with as much force as my arms could muster, SPLAT!

Bringing my Swiffer to eye level, I checked my success. There, a tangled ball of legs and body, my enemy was slain. Now, what to do with him? Well in my mind, the only plausible idea was to suck him up in my vacuum cleaner to insure his captivity. Replacing the Swiffer with a Bissell, I plugged it in and said goodbye to my little friend.

It was quite a way to end the night. Though I must admit I didn’t sleep very well. But in the morning I made sure to check and I’ve had no other visitors. It’s just something I don’t understand. Why must bugs feel the need to invite themselves to places where they are clearly unwelcomed?

I do applaud any environmentalist or bug-lover out there because I really don’t understand how people can tolerate them. And I get it, they are good for the environment, they keep the ecosystem in check, blah blah blah.

That’s great, just please stay out of my apartment.

 

SAMMIE JANIK

janik001@knights.gannon.edu

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